Full Stop

I frequently write that most women of color do not get an Eat, Pray, Love moment. Honestly, we are too busy and have too many people depending on us to go frolic Under the Tuscan Sun. However, sometimes your world comes to an abrupt halt and throws you to the ground. It causes you to question everything that you thought you knew. That is the season that I find myself in. Friends hear me reference the season as my “Etch-A-Sketch” moment. Do you remember that toy? You would draw a pretty picture then shake it up to wipe the slate clean. Well, I feel that my slate has been wiped clean.

I have to admit that when the wiping happened I felt assaulted. Like how dare you erase the picture that I drew! But over time I’m slowly coming to realize that I now get to write a new, better picture but making it come to fruition will take discipline, hard work, and tenacity. Several months ago I spoke to a coworker and mentioned that I am felt as if I was on the precipice of something great. That I was so full of ideas and vision that I almost felt like a waddling, pregnant woman. When my etch-a-sketch was suddenly wiped clean, I thought that the vision was snatched from me. But it wasn’t. Over the past month I’ve learned that you can’t birth your vision if there is no room in your house for a proverbial baby. My plate was overflowing. Shoot, my plate and table was overflowing so much that I was dropping stuff on the floor. And God knows that I would never voluntarily give anything up. Nooo, not Neysa! I would have an over full plate and instead of taking somethings offline I would rather ask for a tray. How ridiculous is that?

So, in this moment, I have to move and be still. I know that sounds like an oxymoron but it is true. I have to be still enough to determine the next moves. I have to rest and heal during this time. I have to listen out for God and my inner self to be able to make the right moves forward. And I have to be willing to move. I have to trust myself and try out new things. I have to be willing to fail forward. It’s one thing to have tons of ideas in your head, but another to actually take the time to try them out. Some of the ideas will plain suck, others will be winners. But how can you know if you never try them out? I believe that each failure will propel me toward my purpose.

This full stop may be uncomfortable. That’s a lie. It has been very painful but I choose to be grateful for it. I believe that even though I can’t yet see it or understand it, the full stop will eventually be for my good.