Welcome Back

Today I opened the app I use to publish my podcast, Myriad That Is Me.  When I opened it  I realized that the last time I produced a podcast was in May 2019.  A full 7 months had gone past before I opened the app and even attempted to step to the mic.  So I decided to take a leap and record this morning.  Just hop out there and say a few things.  But the first question I had to answer was “what do I say about my absence and the past 7 months?”  After two seconds of deliberation, I just put it out there – 2019 kicked my ass and I almost didn’t make it.  But I did make it.  I’m still standing.  And that is reason enough to step to the mic again.

 So let’s start with the proverbial elephant in the room, what happened?  Everything.  Like literally every-fing-thing.  The most devastating is that on December 1, 2019 my husband died.  That is all I have on that subject.  Everything is entirely too fresh, too raw to even try to make sense of right now.  But without a doubt it changed me.  Every Myriad That is Me post came out of the fact that I was in fact a myriad and that started with wife.  My foray into writing came from my marriage.  My book is about marriage.  I’ve been married for nearly 18 years and with Chris for much longer than that so now who am I outside of that coupling.  Who am I if not a wife?

 I have no idea.  Not one.  And that is ok.  Because while I am still uncovering who I am, I learned quite a few things in the hell that was 2019.  The first is that I am stronger than I even knew.  Like hella strong, Hulk-Thor-Captain America strong.  I.  Am.  Strong.  While life was actively crumbling around me, I got up every day and put in effort.  Sometimes it was just a thimble of effort, others it was Herculean effort; but I showed up and I am still standing.  The second thing that I learned is that God is good.  God is good even when you have not been doing your part.  I wish I could say that I prayed fervently and without ceasing.  I wish I can say that I weathered it all like Job and sat in my ashes and blessed God.  I wish I could say it but I can’t.  I was big mad and didn’t have anything to say except “Really? REALLY?”  People like to say that God never gives you more than you can bear but that isn’t true.  The last few months of 2019 were too much.  Entirely too much.  I had to learn that admitting that didn’t lessen my strength but it actually made me stronger.  I had to ask for help and learn to be ok with accepting help.  God sent help in the time of trouble but I had to open my mouth and ask for it. 

 While those lessons are indeed valuable, I now wrestle new questions:  Who am I?  and Who do I want to be?  The honest answer is that I have no idea.  “Who am I?” requires me to do a self-assessment of who I am, what I value, who I see when I look in the mirror.  “Who do I want to be?” requires me to speak to my future and embrace the journey to walk in my future.  And I don’t have the answers to either one.  But I will tell you this, I am committed to finding the answers to both.